OPEC still in disarray as Krampus vows to “Make Christmas Great Again”
Christmas was thrown into fresh doubt yesterday, as the latest meeting of the Organisation for Present Exporting Countries (OPEC) broke up in acrimony amidst renewed calls for a reduction in present output to address chronic over-supply issues. According to initial reports, the early stages of the meeting were full of festive cheer as the representative for the North Pole (S Claus) addressed reporters in a jolly manner, laughing repeatedly and insisting that only a regimented and transparent reduction in present output would solve this global problem.
However, such good will to all men was short-lived as K Claus – the representative of the South Pole – stormed out of the meeting, having demanded that a concerted effort should be made to increase the production of cinders for naughty girls and boys in the run up to Christmas. With his trademark orange face and sporting a big red hat with the words “Make Christmas Great Again”, a scowling and growling Krampus addressed assembled observers as he left the building. “I tell ya…the first thing we do is rip up Santa’s NAFTA (Northern Arctic Festive Trade Association) agreement…What the hell is that? I tell ya what it is…it’s a criminal act cooked up by the WTO (World Tinsel Organisation). You better believe it”. He then turned his attentions to Pracking (Present Packing), where he was fulsome in his praise. “I gotta tell ya, our Prackers are the smartest in the world and it’s gonna be so, so good…yeah…so good, it’ll be beautiful…because all Cinders will be coming from the South Pole and every Present Packing Rig will be operated by Penguins born and bred in the South Pole. Amazing huh!?”.
At the same time, Krampus Tower also issued the following press release (via social media); “We at Krampus Inc. are so disappointed with Santa and his free trading Elves. They agree to reduce gift deliveries to allow Krampus Claus to deliver more cinders to the naughtier boys and girls around the world. But on Christmas Eve it’s always the same old, establishment story; North Pole present output goes up and even naughty children end up getting toys and chocolates. What is going on? Last year, despite being very rich, Krampus hardly delivered any cinders at all – and now with those middle-eastern guys in black pyjamas increasingly difficult to find, the only guaranteed drop he has this year is the fat man-child from North Korea”.
Of course to (festive) seasoned observers not much of this is new, as Krampus’ goose with Santa goes way back. Nonetheless, on the subjects that that have dominated so many of the recent headlines (for example KC’s proposals to jail Santa for not divulging Christmas letters, the building of a wall around the Arctic Circle and banning Polar Bears from the South Pole), Krampus was still vague – preferring instead to grab a nearby cat. On the subject of Christmas Change however, The Krampus went straight for the jugular, rubbishing the notion and declaring that the “whole damn thing is clearly a hoax cooked up by the Jineese – they’re probably still sore over their dumbass one-present policy”.
Unfortunately and with his busiest day of the year fast approaching, S Claus was unavailable for comment. So it was left to recently appointed Head of Diversity (Reindeer Ops), Prancer, to have the final word. “All of this is to do with the recent Spexit (South Pole Exit) vote, which has left Krampus with an almighty problem on his hands. It’s all very well for him to get his Chief Elf Faroutrage to drive around in that big red sleigh telling everyone that it is time to “Take Christmas Back”, whilst quaffing pints of Christmas Ale. But the South Pole is no different from the rest of the world and they are going to have multiple issues in going it alone. Not to mention the complicated negotiations around operating a separate Christmas delivery system and maintaining open access to the naughty boys and girls of the world. Krampus knows this and although he is still insisting that “Cinders means Cinders”, he clearly doesn’t have a plan”.